What’s the one word that most people find hard to say?
No.
That fear of saying “no” is what keeps most people from setting up healthy boundaries in their relationships, at work and in other parts of their lives.
But think of it this way: Healthy boundaries are less about “no” and more about saying “yes” to yourself. It’s speaking up about what feels comfortable and safe to you, as clearly and calmly as possible. Being able to do that has many benefits, such as fostering healthy, positive relationships, protecting your mental health and preventing stress and burnout.
What healthy boundaries might look like
Your boundaries may not be the same as someone else’s. For example, some don’t need much personal space (physical boundaries), while others stress out when there’s too much negativity (emotional boundaries). What’s important is that we try to respect others’ boundaries while establishing our own. Here are a few common scenarios and healthy ways you can speak up for your personal boundaries:
Scenario: You have a friend or family member you love, but whose visits or calls always take way more time than you have available.
Say: “I can only visit for xx minutes” at the outset — and stick to it.
Scenario: Someone starts to rant at you when you disagree with their politics.
Say: “I don’t agree, but I respect your perspective. Let’s agree to disagree” — and immediately move on to another topic.
Scenario: With work, household chores and social activities (your own or your children’s), you haven’t had a moment to yourself all week.
Say: “I need an afternoon (or evening or morning) to myself because I’ve been stretched too thin this week” — then focus on something that fills you to help prevent resentment and burnout. If you have children, have your partner, other family members or friends, or a sitter watch them.
Scenario: Your child asks to borrow your stuff — then loses or damages it.
Say: “I’m upset that you lost my earrings, but I understand that accidents can happen. Let’s think about how to find or replace them.”
Scenario: Your mom is trying to be helpful, but her constant advice on what you should do differently is overwhelming you.
Say: “Thanks for the advice! I have my own plan for taking care of this, but I appreciate your suggestions. Can I let you know when I need help in the future?”
Scenario: An acquaintance starts to talk about some nasty gossip she’s heard. You don’t know the person, but even if you did, it’s not something you want to have living in your head.
Say: “Oh, that sounds terrible, but I’d rather not hear about this” — then start talking about something else.
How boundaries might make you feel
If you aren’t used to expressing what you need, setting boundaries may make you uncomfortable. You may even feel guilty or like you’re doing something wrong, especially if you tend to fulfill everyone’s needs before your own or if you feel like you’re only valued if you place others above yourself. You may even be setting up false boundaries, doing something you don’t enjoy because you believe it makes someone else happy.
But consider this: You have permission to prioritize your own comfort and safety.
So how do you do this? Try these four tactics:
- Give yourself time. When you’re accustomed to having your personal boundaries crossed, you may not even know what makes you feel safe and comfortable. So, take some time to think about it. What do you need physically, emotionally and mentally? What makes you feel safe? Putting pencil to paper can help you figure out these answers, too.
- Communicate by using this template. Sometimes it helps to say how you’re feeling and the action you need to feel safe: “I feel ______ when you _____ because I _____. What I need is _____.” For example, “I feel invisible when you talk over me because I want to be a part of the conversation. What I need is to be able to express myself without being interrupted.” Keep it direct, clear and simple.
- Start small. If you aren’t used to setting boundaries, start small. If someone asks for a favor and you don’t have the time (or inclination), you can say, “I’m afraid I can’t help with that,” and suggest another resource. A small win like this can help build confidence and your “setting boundaries” muscle.
Remember, too, that you’re not alone. If you feel like you need support in setting healthy boundaries, reach out to a loved one, a trusted mentor or a mental health professional, especially if you’re in an unsafe or unhealthy situation. Setting boundaries is the first step in building your self-esteem, self-confidence and the positive relationships you crave.
Want help setting healthier boundaries? Willowbrooke at Tanner offers a full array of outpatient services. Call 770-812-3266 for a free screening. If you need immediate mental health support, visit Willowbrooke Urgent Care for Mental Health and Substance Use, 20 Herrell Road, Suite 1, Villa Rica, Georgia. No appointment necessary.
Learn more: WillowbrookeUrgentCare.org