Every human matures sexually in a different way, and it can be difficult to determine if a child’s sexual maturity is progressing properly or if it may be necessary to seek professional guidance. The following may serve as a guide to determine if a child’s sexual behavior is within normal parameters.
Normal sexual development
- Infancy
- Infants explore their own body
- Touching with skin is a primary learning tool
- Other’s response to touching is the earliest means of social learning
- Childhood
- Half of all adults report sex play as children
- Progress from interest to sexual arousal is naïve and unpredictable
- Some general interest in others’ private body parts (curiosity, but not sexual interest); adult reaction is critical
- Masturbation natural: by age 2 or 3, children learn masturbation in front of others is inappropriate
- Pre-adolescents
- Interest in viewing others’ bodies (media, pornography); curiosity and beginning sexual interests and experiencing arousal
- Few are sexually active
- Adolescents
- Physical sexual characteristics and interests develop
- Growing awareness of sexuality is evident
- Issues of sexual orientation may arise
- Children join in social and sexual aspects of sex and sexuality
- Some sexual contact (fondling, open-mouth kiss, simulated intercourse) with consenting peer
What are the hallmarks of healthy sexual development? The list below provides a brief overview of the guidelines of healthy sexual development and functional, mutually-affectionate relationships.
Healthy sexuality
- Loving responsibility
- Volition – affection is shown by a person’s free choice
- Mutuality – understanding of what each intends or desires; no coercion
- Appropriate stimulation
- Arousal – when both are aroused physically and emotionally, they feed off each other’s arousal
- Loving intimacy
- Vulnerability – both are free to be physically and emotionally vulnerable and open
- Trust – both trust their partner and can be vulnerable without fear that their partner will betray or make fun of them
So what defines inappropriate sexual behavior? There are a number of things to watch for that could be warning signs that a child’s sexual maturity is progressing in an unhealthy manner.
Inappropriate sexual behavior
- Sexual contact with a child at least three years younger than the offending child
- Use of coercion or force for sexual purposes
- Clear physical difference between the parties
- Power differential (one party is subservient to the other)
- Knowledge (a difference in the parties’ intelligence)
- Acting out sexually when it is not age-appropriate (may be sexually reactive); for instance, younger children “humping” others or objects, sexually touching others or themselves, inserting objects into themselves, “sex talk,” other sexual behavior or chronic masturbation
Deceiving characteristics of perpetrator/offender
- Can be male or female
- Charming; seems like “a great kid,” or “I can’t believe he/she would do something like that” are typical responses
- May be a role model
- May be bright or learning disabled
- Coercive and might “groom” their victim, who may not realize they are being victimized
- May be unable to experience empathy
- May be from a seemingly normal or healthy home but there are underlying trust issues, denial, possible abuse or domestic violence, anger problems, mental health difficulties and/or “secrets;” closed family system with denial
- May not be a victim or sexual abuse themselves
If someone is abused, they do not always come forward, and when they do they may withdraw, or recant their accusations upon questioning. This may happen for a variety of reasons, but does not necessarily mean that they have not been victimized.
Why victims deny or recant their statements
- Fear (loss of sibling or family member, blamed for “breaking up the family,” violence toward themselves or threats to others they love, not wanting to get the perpetrator “in trouble”)
- Embarrassment
- Guilt
- Scared they did something wrong (maybe they participated or did not say “no,” the may blame themselves, maybe they actually enjoyed the interaction and thought it loving or nurturing received from someone they cared about)
- Do not trust other adults
- Children rarely make up stories of exploitation
Are their ways to help a child who is unwilling or unable to discuss the abuse they’ve endured?
Can you treat a child who denies or refuses to talk about the abuse?
Yes! Education, support, defining roles and boundaries, and doing family therapy is essential – get the child and family into treatment now!
How treatment helps an offender/perpetrator
- May help the adolescent understand what led to their offense(s)
- Equips the offending adolescent with the tools needed to control their behavior, such as
- take responsibility
- identify of risk factors/red flags
- appropriate coping
- how to build and use a support system
- behavioral techniques (to manage urges and control inappropriate arousal)
- behavioral techniques (to manage urges and control inappropriate arousal)
- teaching Relapse Prevention
- educate offenders on safety and supervision and “red flags”
- identify when the need arises to re-enter treatment
- educate and support the family in regards to boundaries, healthy sexual behavior, supervision and speaking with their teen about difficult topics
Willowbrooke at Tanner offers free, confidential assessments and referrals to treatment providers who specialize in the treatment of sexual abuse, sexual reactivity and sexual abusers. For more information or to schedule a free, confidential assessment, call 770.836.9551.